Congratulations on your bundle of joy. Now that you’ve spent hours pushing what feels like a watermelon out of your yoni, welcome to the postpartum world if this is your first time.
You’ve spent the last 9 months listening to people tell you what a beautiful mama you look are and how you have this wonderful mama glow. Though you had your ups and downs throughout pregnancy, it was always flattering to know that your BIG belly was BEAUTIFUL. You had the world’s support, assuring you that you need not worry about your physical attributes and their worth in this American society that values you for how tight your ass is or isn’t, how big your boobs are or aren’t, and how ‘youthful’ your face is or is not. During pregnancy, you basically got a ‘free pass,’ especially since all those f*cked up hormonal changes that even made you puke up water during that first trimester, gave you glowingly beautiful skin and lush hair that everyone just couldn’t get enough of. And wasn’t it great that you could eat eat eat and not be judged as a lazy fat ass?
Sorry new mom, that shit is about to change.
Welcome to to postpartum baby-moon in which you’ll be expected to lose that fat-ass and fat belly within two weeks, or everyone will think you are a lazy, obese and unsightly mama (This is especially true if you’re vegan since “skinny” = “veganism.” Read any Skinny Bitch book and it is clear that “lazy”= “obese”= “unsightly”)
Don’t look at me like I’m speaking some foreign language and as if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Check into any latest news about Beyonce, and you’ll see how we can’t get enough of being impressed on how her new mama body is the benchmark for how we all should look after giving birth. After all, People magazine did proclaim her as the world’s most beautiful woman (and of course ‘woman’ only means those of us women who pass that brown paper bag test!).
So, here we go to achieving your pre-pregnancy body type and size within 2 weeks of giving birth:
1. Breastfeed only. On demand. All the time. Nursing is a great way to lose all that unsightly belly fat. And just don’t stop at nursing your own baby. Nurse every damn baby you know would like some mama juice. Post an ad on freecycle that you are willing to nurse 24/7, any baby or toddler. Remember, the bigger the child, the more calories they will suck out. Hey, if you’re not too weirded out, you can offer your mama juice to the sketchy adult men who have a mama juice fetish. Just imagine how many calories an adult could extract from your body. If that’s too creepy for you, pump whenever your baby isn’t nursing and sell that milk at the local farmer’s marker. Give those weird cow dairy farmers a run for their money. Yea, sure, nursing that much is stressful and you’ll probably be so focused on losing that weight that you forget to eat properly and come down with osteoporosis in your early 30s, but hey, as long as you lose that fat post-partum ass, that is all that matters. It’s our outer beauty, not our inner beauty and sanity that has value.