4. Do an Ironwoman competition now. Don’t listen to your midwife about holding off on any type of strenuous exercise until 8 months postpartum just because you had a 3rd degree tear into your poophole while pushing out that ten pounder. What does she know anyway? With your baby and/or kids already duct taped to you, you’ll have the added weight you’ll need to lose that postpartum ass. As you vomit towards the finish line and see the Child Protection Services Van driving towards you, don’t let that deter you from crossing and finishing. Remember, it not about CPS, it’s not about you or how you puked for the 18th time, it’s all about looking hot again so your unsightly belly and ass don’t make everyone else feel uncomfortable or annoyed. Explain to CPS that you don’t want to be obese and be a bad example for your children. Everyone knows that an obese lazy mother creates unsightly obese, fat, lazy children (and this is 4x more likely if you are darker than a brown bag apparently. Just watch Precious, you’ll see ) and that fat Americans are a financial and moral burden on the anorexic backs of skinny America. CPS will understand…..

5. Lastly, instead of spending your babymoon with the first 2-4 weeks in bed with your baby, singing to him or her and making eye contact, spend all your time on your Smartphone radiating your newborn’s brain as they nurse while your surf the web for blogs and information like this to learn how to not look like a fat-ass after giving birth.