I’m starting to believe what the late comedian George Carlin said about America:
“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”
In a story unique to America, a single mother-of-two is trying to break the record for the heaviest human alive. (Americans hold 9 of the top 10 spots on heaviest-people-ever list)
According to the Daily Mail, Susanne Eman, a resident of the great state of Arizona, says she will soon, if she hasn’t already, overtake the largest mother ever, Donna Simpson of New Jersey, who weighs in at a nimble 700 pounds.
“I’d love to find out if it’s humanly possible to reach a ton,” she said. “A previous record holder was 1,600lbs, so I have to be at least that.”
Accordingly, Eman is obsessed with the American dogma of never-ending growth, but just as much as that economic theory sounds absurd considering we live on a finite-resource planet, Eman is as committed to pushing the boundaries of her organic body to the outer limits of reason as Wall Street is about the economy:
“At my current rate of growth, I should be 1610 lb. by age 41 or 42.”
Susanne visits the supermarket once a month with sons Gabriel, 16, and Brendin, 12, and spends up to eight hours filling six trollies.
“It’s like a full day’s work,” said Susanne, who uses a motorised scooter, but astonishingly believes she can stay healthy.
She added: “The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel more confident and sexy. Why shouldn’t I push the limits and see how fat I can get and stay healthy?”
Eman claims she is in perfect health, — as she takes regular blood pressure measurements and keeps track of her insulin levels. She also takes her exercise regimen seriously. She doesn’t want her muscle to succumb to the weight of her fat deposits.
Despite warnings from her doctor that her bizarre experiment could kill her, Susanne insists she wants to break the record.
Dr Patrick Flite said: “She’s really playing Russian roulette with her life with this goal. There are well-documented complications that come with morbid obesity.”
“I would never encourage anyone to be doing what Susanne is doing.”
Dr Flite said Susanne’s medical checks showed no current problems, adding: “She’s capable of making her own decisions. I don’t see any psychiatric problems or anything else wrong.”
Fat acceptance is making a surge in the face of mean-spirited attacks on large humans. Maybe Eman’s weight-gain journey will help Americans accept that they live in the fattest nation in the world.
Eman accepts donations to help subsidize her lifestyle, and if your fan of the many weight-loss reality shows like The Biggest Loser and Too Fat for Fifteen, this should be right up your alley. If this doesn’t make you feel better about your life — watching a person actively try to kill herself — you are not a patriot.
*Don King Voice* “Only in America!”