My first thought is to wonder who they are talking too when I hear “Oh you’re skinny now?” lauded in my general direction since they are making eye contact with me. As I register that this confused coworker/family member/classmate/friend is talking to me, my second response is bewilderment.

I’m not in denial. I have certainly lost weight and some inches. It’s the result of eating more veggies and less college menu take out. It is also putting forth some serious effort to work out a couple times per week. Not to underscore my progress, but it’s only the difference in one dress size. What a difference one size seems to make! Already, I feel better and of course, my clothes fit differently. It is a reminder that life is truly in the details. It doesn’t take a lot to make a substantive change. Every step forward is a giant leap of momentum in the right direction. But skinny? Like the girls used to say on the playground at recess,

“Who me?

“Yes, you!”

“Couldn’t be!”

“Then who?”

The reality is that it’s simply not true. I am not skinny. And being skinny is not even a part of my vision for a healthy life. Like many of us, I need to lose weight so that as I age, I can maintain my health. I am healthy today but I want to be healthy for everyday that follows this one. Of course, I want my clothes to fit better, but I need to lose weight so that my bones do not decrease significantly in their function any time soon. I can buy another outfit to make anything fit, but I only get this one body. I have to carry my body around with me everywhere that I go. My goals include getting stronger, having more discipline to make healthier decisions every day, and live governed by the way I feel, not by my weight. Not one of my goals even remotely begins with the action item “get skinny.” I love my curves and want to enhance them, not hide them. I am all for healthy living, but it must be holistic if it is to matter at all. Being healthy must include a sense of purpose in my life, an agreement with myself that I am amazingly “all that” no matter what my dress size, and that I make healthy changes in my life for love, joy, and peace; not hate, fear, or anxiety. I want the energy to enjoy life and life more abundantly!

But it seems like others may only see the change in weight. I feel as though I have been put on notice that the public gaze is upon me, like I am now going to have before-and-after pictures worthy of a Jenny Craig commercial where I start singing Nina Simone next to Jennifer Hudson and Jessica Simpson! It almost seems premature using that term as a pat on the back, encouraging me to pursue being skinny. “You’re not skinny, but you could be. Keep up the good work!”

Other similar comments made with this frame of mind, I think are said as a compliment. Instead of a high-five, it comes off as more of a side-eye: “You are not nearly as fat as you were before!” Thanks, I think. Why is being skinny a compliment anyway? These comments come from women of all body types. Are we still that narrow minded as a collective in Black American society that skinny is the “it” even from women whose bodies don’t conform to that standard? I have even heard from close family and friends who maintained a low weight most of their lives that they do not prefer to be called skinny either. This makes me further confused as to why skinny is used so often as some sort of compliment.

If this has ever been your experience, did you get used to it? What did people say when you started making visibly healthy changes with your life and body? When someone gives you a “skinny compliment,” did you give them the side-eye or a high-five?

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18 Comments

  1. Great article. After I lost my last 10lbs to look better in my wedding dress, that is all I would hear. Girl, you’re skinniee now as if that was the greatest thing since slice bread. I wanted the focus to be more on you can achieve your weight loss goals thru a healthier eating style and exercise.

  2. I hate the word skinny when it’s referenced to healthy. It’s like no one can think outside the box and see that we all shape can be healthy.

  3. That’s so funny because an associate of mine said oh you look skinny…. and I was offended like ohh I used to look fat. I don’t think she meant it in a bad way but I rather say to someone you looking nice or just provide a compliment. I don’t need or want anyone to thin I look skinny. Like you said my goal is more about health. I also think it depends on who it is coming from when it is said.
    I fell yo though 🙂

  4. Moral of this story, don’t give a woman a compliment. She’ll love you for being an asshole

  5. I’ve been heavy for as long as I can remember. Growing up this way,as I’m certain you all can imagine,was vexating to my self esteem. I was teased and taunted by most. I remember the most taunting coming from my family. I remember writing on my calendar as my aunts wedding date neared “get skinny”. It was one of the most ackward moments in my life when she saw it. She justed looked at me and didn’t say a word. That silence made me feel more out of place then any one fat joke ever could. She didn’t offer advice or words of consolation.
    Their words and lack there of shaped my psyche. I longed “skinny” and all its perceived benefits . Its now as adult that I being to unlearn these narrow minded opinions. I’ve grown to love me as I am and do the things that make me feel good. I’ve lost weight and maintained my petite physique for few years now.

  6. I’ve been heavy for as long as I can remember. Growing up this way,as I’m certain you all can imagine,was vexating to my self esteem. I was teased and taunted by most. I remember the most taunting coming from my family. I remember writing on my calendar as my aunts wedding date neared “get skinny”. It was one of the most ackward moments in my life when she saw it. She justed looked at me and didn’t say a word. That silence made me feel more out of place then any one fat joke ever could. She didn’t offer advice or words of consolation.
    Their words and lack there of shaped my psyche. I longed “skinny” and all its perceived benefits . Its now as adult that I being to unlearn these narrow minded opinions. I’ve grown to love me as I am and do the things that make me feel good. Exercise is one of those things. I’ve lost weight and maintained my petite physique for few years now. I’m not “skinny” by any means, but I’m happy. That is what matters most. Just as you mentioned our lives should be governed by how we feel aside from our physical selves. Anything can happen to change our physical appearances PERMANANTLY. Then what?
    These days when I visit a family member and they tell me I look “anorexic”…I laugh. Then I tell them how much I enjoy being a size 10!! 😀

    • @Naomi: I’ve lost 50 lbs in a year. I tell people I’m HEALTHY. My hip joints don’t hurt, my knees don’t hurt. I DON’T take ANY KIND OF prescription medication. Zumba and the Zone lifestyle (lots more veggies, good fat with every meal). I’ve cut out all the bad whites, bread, pasta, potatoes. When people ask how I’ve done it and I tell them. They say that’s the good stuff. Well, taste is temporary, fat isn’t. I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL. Let them say what they want. I want to live a long life to enjoy my grandbabies. What’s the use of a long life if you’re NOT healthy?

  7. Saying that I’m skinnier than whatever arbitrary marker the other person has set for me in his head is just plain laziness. It’s a way to pay a compliment to a person who one may not really want to investigate any further, so say something empty, like girl you’re so skinny! It’s cool. I’ll shrug it off. whatev. Cool article

  8. I have definitely been there. In my last semester of college, I lost a noticeable amount of weight and I got a lot of shade (disguised as just “joking”) from other BLACK women. It was kinda sad actually, kind like no one will mention if you’ve gained weight, but the minute you lose weight, everyone gotta comment!

    Even recently I’ve been working to be more healthier and one of my good friends told me point blank that “its not fair” although this chick could be experiencing the same results if she ate out less and worked out more. It seems as though people really don’t want to see you progress even when they say they do. I guess they feel guilty because they see that your hard work is paying off, while they still battle with putting down the fork and picking up the gym shorts!

    For me skinny is not the goal, healthy is the goal. It took me a while to realize that I am not defined by my dress size… but at the same time, I’ve only got one life to live, so I wanna be the best version of me!

    Great article btw.

  9. What an honest piece. I love being complemented for my shape just not in a manner that is judgmental

  10. I think it’s articles like this that brough me to this site and keeps me coming back. I really appreciate hearing size-positive body messages and there are far too few of them readily available in other forms of media. Thank you.

    3 years ago I was at my heaviest weight and since then I have lost 50 pounds by changing the foods I eat and exercisingly more often. I’m now smaller than I was at the beginning of middle school, but I am plus-sized. More importantly than that–I LOVE MYSELF AND HAVE ALWAYS LOVED MYSELF regardless of what the scale reads.

    My weight has been one of my vulnerabilites in life and I don’t think that anyone should comment on it. So when people tell me that I should keep losing weight eventhough I just told them that I like how I look, I find their comments dismissive about what I have been struggling with and they seem to care that I haven’t reached some goal in their mind more than that I’ve reached my own. I mean shoot, maybe this is just fun to say, but I ran into an ex who happened to comment on my weight-loss, saying that I looked “hella slim” before he checked out my butt, but I blew him off saying, “yeah, I’ve lost 20 more pounds since you last saw me.” I mean, the pig had a new girlfriend and he was checking me out? Please. I’m in control of my body and it’s not open for public critique.

  11. Wish my city had some Ethnic yoga instructors. if you guys know any in Jacksonville, fl let me know

    • @jazz: Power Yoga Tribe- the instructor is Preston Scott- I believe he own the studio with his wife….

    • @jazz: I was in Jacksonville last week! If you’re SERIOUS go to a Bikram Yoga Class. It’s NOT you’re average class, they heat the room to 115 degrees. Embrace the heat, don’t eat anything 2 hrs before class, drink lots of water the day BEFORE, take a large towel n yoga mat

  12. When you look at the television commercials or read the magazines as a “not so skinny” woman what it does is pick at your self esteem and self image. Societies views of what a woman could an should look like is distorted. A woman who truly is “in love” with herself is beyond attractive. No matter what size you are, fall madly in love with who you are and you will make your own heart smile 🙂

  13. well you look fat then. damn if you do,/if you dont

  14. I lost some weight two years ago and I still hear from family/friends and strangers that I’m skinny. Sometimes I just want to say ” No, I am not skinnny! What does that even mean? Look at my hips and thighs”. When I think of skinny I think of the models on the runway- I am so far from how they look. I still have and love my curves and I’m used to the term skinny now. I guess it’s a compliment but I do not understand it.

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