But we can get bulkier than we like to be. As material evidence, I kindly submit to the jury my favorite little black dress. Every girl has one – it’s the dress that you can accessorize with anything and makes you look like a million bucks even when you’re post-popcorn and pre-period bloated. My particular LBD is a retro Audrey Hepburn inspired black sheath dress that nips in at just the right spot on my waist and has a neckline so flattering that half the time I don’t even bother with the jewelry. I’d post a pic of me wearing it so we could all ooh and ahh together except: IT WON’T ZIP UP ANYMORE. The trouble spot? Not my usual problem areas – it slips right up over my hips and thighs. It catches on my lats. Of all the stupid spots to have a dress not fit, I cannot think of a less desirable place to gain inches than across my bat-wing territory. For those of you unfamiliar with bodybuilding parlance, your latissimus dorsi are your armpit muscles. Running down the sides of your back, they’re often called the swimmer’s muscle. You can see why:
Continuing on with bodybuilding lore, there are three types of people in this world: Ectomorphs or people who are naturally thin and have a hard time putting on muscle (party like an emo rock star! Or a catwalk model!), Mesomorphs or people who are well balanced with fat and muscle (also known as the type everyone wishes they were, what up Mr. and Miss Universe?), and the poor Endomorphs or people who put on muscle easily but put on fat even more easily (Holla all you rom-com sidekicks!). (Funny aside: the site linked above lists “stalkiness” as an attribute of endomorphs. That might be the awesomest abuse of the English language I’ve seen since my ex-boyfriend e-mailed me that he’d gotten a job as a “night stalker” at the local grocery store. Sadly that turned out to be more true than any of us ever anticipated but hey it kept the local police on their toes. Although in our culture I’m not sure which is the more offensive adjective: stocky or stalky. Perhaps one would rather be stalky.) ANYHOW. I’m pretty darn sure I’m not an ectomorph but whichever the remaining two I am, I don’t like it. And not just because it makes my armpits crazy hard to shave.
I want the bat muscles gone and my dress back. Operation: Lose Muscle.
According to several very authoritative (i.e. Yahoo’s ask-a-question) websites, these are my options listed in order of best to worst: