8. Make funny faces, sex noises, or whimper while weight lifting.

How-to: This one’s easy. Just go with your gut. You know what they say – sing like nobody’s listening, dance like nobody’s watching (boring, much?) and lift like nobody else is present. Grunting and screaming are a little overdone. I recommend seizures. Or crying.

Quick Fix: Wear earphones – even if they aren’t attached to anything but your pocket lint. Then you can always pull them out and stage-whisper “Nobody told me Farewell to Arms ends like that!” You’ll be safe because anyone old enough to have read Hemingway and remember the ending (which is sad) will probably have dementia. Everyone else will just think you are sensitive and awesome. Or perverted, depending on exactly what noises you were making.