Scorpio? Libra? Who needs a sign to make unfounded snap judgements about strangers? The zodiac is sooo 70′s! According to the NY Times, the new thing is to judge a girl by her yoga mat. (Because yoga is soooo, uh, ’70′s?) Actually The Times article is mainly about whether to use a sticky mat or go commando on the bare floor (for all you hygiene enthusiasts, apparently the floor gets cleaned a lot more than your mat*), but anyone who has been to a yoga studio knows that your yoga mat says a lot about who you are and how you live your life. So what does mine say about me? That I’m cheap and that I love my lady bits! (And also that I have a great immune system. The other day my Lifetime Fitness trainer Steve asked if I wanted to use a gym mat even though it “probably has somebody’s butt hair on it.” I didn’t even flinch. “Give me the mat.” I won’t bungee jump but by golly I’m still a risk taker!)

There I was the other day, blissfully inhaling and exhaling through a nice deep down dog (oh yoga, why so porny?) when I looked through my perfectly starfished hands to stare at all the pretty lotus flowers etched on my mat. Lotus flowers a la Georgia O’Keefe, that is. At that zen moment I realized my yoga mat is covered with a repeating pattern of – oh yes – the female anatomy. Which explains why I got it for ten bucks at TJ Maxx.

I was not as bothered by this as one might think – there is something oddly fitting about being in a class all about body awareness whilst sitting on replicas of my, ahem, awareness. Although anyone who asks to see my yoga mat from here on out has to buy me dinner first.

So what does your yoga mat say about you? Let’s break it down:

Color: Yoga classes are usually pretty subdued and yogis are generally conforming (You may think you’re being an individual by binding when the rest of us are extending but unless you go totally rogue then we’re all doing the same flow – even our breathing is synced. Baaa.) so neon or rainbow sparkles shows that you! are! different! And also, that you don’t mind glitter stuck in your awareness.

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