Olive Garden, Red Lobster, and all the other fine-dining establishments under the ownership of the Darden Restaurant Group have taken a blood pledge with First Lady Michelle Obama to reduce what makes them profitable — salt, sugar, and fat.

In a move that our vegetable enthusiast First Lady called “breakthrough moment,” the Darden Group’s African American CEO, Clarence Otis, claimed that under his watch the company will reduce calories and sodium in their meals across their portfolio. Citing that they are concerned about the rise in obesity-related illnesses, especially in children, the Darden’s Group’s crown jewel, Olive Garden, in particular — which already banned french fries and milkshakes sales to minors — will make every children’s meal healthier, complete with a bottomless glass of milk.

With slumping sales and mediocre reviews, which is evident in the increasing number of jokes about the Olive Garden’s menu and atmosphere, it makes sense that The Darden Group felt it’s necessary to call in a favor over at the White House, which boasts some of the best public relations and marketing guru’s money can buy.

Sticking to the pro-“job creators” script, the regal First Lady, who championed Wal-Mart’s expansion into food deserts under the guise of providing healthier options, pushed her popular Let’s Move campaign to the crowd of eager fans who just wanted a glimpse of the beautiful, health-conscious Obama.

The First Lady reassured parents that the government wasn’t pressuring any private companies to provide healthier options by playing up the choices parents have to let their children eat themselves into diabetic coma.

Obama joked with the crowd, expressing her battles with splurging on junk food:

“[T]here is nothing wrong with occasionally splurging on treats and desserts, right? I mean, that’s the fun of being a kid. And quite frankly, it’s the fun of being human. And I certainly have done my share of splurging. I splurge. It’s a good thing.”

Well, the First Lady’s statement says it all! Now we know why American uses up over a quarter of the world natural resources while only making up a four percent of its population. It’s in our DNA to splurge. I’m not sure about you, but I feel better already. Onto Olive Garden for its national treasure: the bottomless pasta bowl.